Being Single

I don’t know what this is about.

I’m not here to complain. I mean, Lord knows I could find things to complain about, but that’s not why I’m here.
I’m not desperate. I’m not looking to marry anyone, or to settle for someone who I KNOW isn’t right for me. I’ve been accused of being too picky. It’s important to give people a chance, even if they aren’t necessarily your “type.” There’s a fine line though, between being too picky and knowing when a match just isn’t right. I’m not willing to settle, just so I won’t be alone.
In fact, I do like being alone. There’s something really nice about coming home at the end of the day to a quiet house where I don’t have to interact with anyone. It’s amazing to slip into my comfiest pajama pants (the ones with the holes and stains and fabric that feels like heaven against your skin.) Its freeing to pull my hair back, wash off my make-up, and watch whatever I want to watch on TV. It doesn’t matter what I look like, because no one else can see. It doesn’t matter that there are dishes in the sink & the house is cluttered & messy. Popcorn for dinner when I don’t feel like cooking? It’s just me, & I don’t care. Its awesome. You know you’re a little jelly.
So, when friends ask if there are any men in my life, I laugh (out loud – there hasn’t been a man in my life in nearly a decade). I tell them its cool. I love my life the way it is… and I do. But also, I want more.
I’ve read some really awesome blog posts over the past few days, including Let Your Husband Love You by my amazing friend, Kristen,  10 Marriage Tips Every WIFE Needs to Hear, and 7 Keys to a Happy Wife by Karen & Frank Lotado. Marriage has been my passion for as long as I can remember – not only to be married myself, but to help others be intentional & do it well. I love soaking up wisdom in this area. I love learning how to do things God’s way, because He loves us & He wants good things for our lives. Long ago I dreamed of being a marriage therapist, but I allowed that dream to be squashed. I’ve been trying to reclaim it, but its been a challenge to say the least. Grad school costs a lot of money these days, & I’m done with taking on debt. I’m not giving up, but that’s another blog.
In reading these articles, watching sappy movies, and one very sweet episode of How I Met Your Mother, I felt that all too familiar twinge of longing. The one I stuff deep down inside. You see, when you are a chronically  single lady you need to balance between two extremes – Miss Independent and Miss Desperation. If you say you want to find someone, you look needy and desperate. If you don’t, you just go on being alone. I kind of hate being needy so I tend to try to do it all myself. (Generally I fail at this & my sweet brothers pick up the slack, but you get the idea.) I don’t NEED a man to make me whole… I just want to fall in love.
I would like to be a wife and a mother, not for the title, but because for me there’s great value in the role. I want to be someone’s soft place to fall. I want to love & encourage my husband in a way only a wife can, to help him be the man God created him to be. I want to give him the respect he desires and honor he deserves. I want an opportunity to live out the lessons God has placed on my heart. I want a chance to mess up, eat my words, and do better next time. I don’t expect marriage to change my life in some fairy-tale, everything-is-finally-perfect, happily-ever-after kind of way. My heart longs to experience the kind of emotional, spiritual, and (yes) physical intimacy only a God-centered marriage can provide. I want to be a mom. I want the privilege of loving, cherishing, & raising children of my own. I welcome the overwhelm, frazzled-hair, no-end-in-sight-to-this-madness kind of days, weeks, years. I know they are hard. I know you’re worn out mommas. I know you wouldn’t trade them for the world (most of the time). I love that you share your little blessings with me. I cherish the opportunity to “help” out & love your children with you. Some days it makes me grateful for the peace & quiet at my house. Secretly, deep-down, it’s all I want out of life.
Dreams are crazy. They are rooted so deeply in our identity that admitting them, out-loud, can make us feel naked & vulnerable down to our very core. That’s how I feel. I want to keep living the lie that I am 97% satisfied with my life the way it is, and I don’t need anyone else. Really, I don’t need a husband & children to complete me. I have Jesus, an amazing family, & the best friends ever. I have everything I need, even if it does mean working 13 hour days to maintain it. However, I firmly believe God loves His children and He enjoys giving us the desires of our hearts.  I have no idea why I felt the need to share those desires with the world, on this blog, but it’s happening. It’s out there. Yikes. Oh well. 😉
Like I said, I don’t know what this is about…


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